Efficiency and You

I work in a call center, in a cubicle with a computer.  Next to the computer there's an electronic phone that you use to tell management what you're doing at any given time.  When you're on the phone it lets them know you're talking, when you're documenting it lets them know you're typing. 

 

When you need to go pee, you punch in the number 12 into the phone.  12 is the number for internal waste management. 

 

If you have technical problems it's a 16.  Need to take a smoke break?  10.  Lunch is an 11. 

 

If you for some reason, we can all go down a mental checklist, you take too long while in the restroom, you get an IM on your computer screen asking what's the hub-bub.  Finding creative answers, while staying work-place appropriate, is always an added challenge to my job. 

 

So, I have implemented a new system that I'm pitching to the bosses come Monday.  It consists of 3500 additional codes for employees to put in.

 

For instance, if you got a bad case of lock-jaw, that's a 245.  If you find yourself being taken over by the voices that live in the back of your head, a 974 is in order.  If you're thinking of creative ways to become a ninja with a Wendy's spork, then that's a big 3421.

 

If your neighbor begins political conversations over the wall of your cube and you can't bear to think of any other conversation in the world that would be less molar-removal-like, then that's a 756.  It the conversation floats over to healing crystals and the power of labyrinths, then that floats down to a 511.  The entire 510's are devoted to hippy alternative healing methods, for quick reference. 

 

 All personal phone calls are the same as before, a 16.  Since time is becoming such a commodity, each employee will be encouraged to tape all calls and store them on those tiny cassette tapes that are only sold at Radio Shack.  Then, the employee should take the conversation, chop and screw it Houston hip-hop style to the television theme song of their choice.  Mine is usually Charles in Charge, slowed down and repeated randomly.. 

 

Any time you snack while on the computer should be a Norman Invasion, or a 1066.  On your newly issued snack log, please list each individual snack eaten, amount of bites per mouthful, and for documenting purposes name each individual snack cracker/cookie after a 20^th century historical figure, such as Spiro Agnew.  Historical snacks taste better, and your time is better logged.  Today I ate a Fred Thompson Vanilla Wafer. .

 

Implementing these changes will aid communication and efficiency.  Thank you. 

 

Socialize Like a 2 Year Old, by Joe

My 2 year old son started daycare for the first time Monday. It's a sad yet proud moment of parenthood to watch them leave their babyhood behind and march through those classroom doors. (enter The Verve's "Bittersweet Symphony" here) but this post isn't about my life, it's just the spark that stirred a deeper observation. You see as I sat in on his first real interactions with children his age, I was happily surprised. My little boy just strolled into an unfamiliar environment, filled with strange children and he did so without a care in the world. Like Kramer but with little light up shoes and no goofy slide. The other children his age took notice and with incoherent language greeted him and unequivocally accepted him into their group. A big eyed boy with a mop top was playing with a mock kitchenette and I noticed that this caught my son's interest. As he left my side and went around the counter I could only see the curls of his head bounce up and down the aisle to join in the fun. As one of the teachers talked to me of their curriculum I could only focus on getting that one last peek to see how my son was doing. And there he was at the fake sink humming the sound our water makes. He had managed to get 3 other children to join him as they pretended to wash hands.

What a relief this was. I had always heard the horror stories of terrible twos and how they don't play with other children and are very selfish. But what I witnessed from these children is something we could all learn from. No prejudgment, no inhibition, just hello let's play. Now I'm sure there will be rough paths, several studies have shown that two year olds are not good at sharing the same toy. But they are great at sharing the same space. They invite others to be near them and enjoy imitating and watching others around them. How many of us would settle for that from our work environment. Instead we imprison ourselves in cubicles hoping that nobody will come bother us and pretend we can't hear anything past the 2 inches of plastic padding. Or how many times have you gone to a party or get together and didn't take advantage of the fun people you could have met because you didn't want to leave your comfort zone or just stuck with the people you knew. Maybe your even one of those people who gets some giggles at others expense from afar and if they approach, don't give them the time of day. You never know, the 'outcrowd' may be having more fun. Or maybe debating about star wars vs star trek is more entertaining than Paris vs Lindsey.

So tomorrow I invite you to step out of your social learnings and just pretend your back in the nursery again. Just don't eat the glue.

The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes, 3rd Installment:

"Well, really!" he cried, and then he choked and laughed again until he was obliged to lie back, limp and helpless, in the chair.

"What is it?"

"It's quite too funny. I am sure you could never guess how I employed my morning, or what I ended by doing."

KXAN_News: Emergency warning sirens are going off at Fort Hood-- urging people to stay away from buildings and doors.

KXAN article here.  

...There Ain't No We Either

"I'm not a reserve basketball player," Iverson said. "I've never been a reserve all my life and I'm not going to start looking at myself as a reserve. That's something for the media to talk about. It's only a big issue when the media talks about it. The subject never came up in my career until everything happened in Detroit. No one talked about me being a sub or anything like that until last year.

 

"In all the other years of my career, it's never come up. I've been a starter on All-Star teams, Olympic teams and NBA Finals teams. It's just a big deal now. I think it is something people should let go. To answer your question, no, I'm not a bench player or the sixth man. Go look at my resume, it will show you that I'm not a sixth man."

 

"I had a problem with my butt from sitting on the bench so long," Iverson said. "That's the only thing I had a problem with."

 

--Allen Iverson, Nov. 2^nd 2009 after a Memphis loss where A.I. came off the bench. 

 

Locker Room Rot, perhaps a new nickname.  He's only been eligible to play one game, and this is already what's happening in Memphis.  I like A.I., I do, but this is almost a caricature of himself. 

 

The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes, Second Installment

ADVENTURE I. A SCANDAL IN BOHEMIA (CONT'D)

"What do you make of that?" asked Holmes.

"The name of the maker, no doubt; or his monogram, rather."

"Not at all. The 'G' with the small 't' stands for 'Gesellschaft,' which is the German for 'Company.' It is a customary contraction like our 'Co.' 'P,' of course, stands for 'Papier.' Now for the 'Eg.' Let us glance at our Continental Gazetteer." He took down a heavy brown volume from his shelves. "Eglow, Eglonitz--here we are, Egria. It is in a German-speaking country--in Bohemia, not far from Carlsbad. 'Remarkable as being the scene of the death of Wallenstein, and for its numerous glass-factories and paper-mills.' Ha, ha, my boy, what do you make of that?" His eyes sparkled, and he sent up a great blue triumphant cloud from his cigarette.

He's Manu Ginobili